Monday, June 2, 2008

Sorrow deserved

Hmm I am so glad I wrote yesterdays blog in afternoon. I couldnt have possibly written it at night. Yesterday night can be counted as the one of the worse time I have ever had. A friend of mine was fighting with me on chat. Actually he has been mentioned before but I dont want to reveal any thing about him, not even psuedo name. Well this guy is the sweetest perosn I have ever met, he wouldnt get angry at all, was very patient, never complained about any of my eccentric behavior. I always thought he was odd, how can someone be so tolerant. Anyway he wasnt and that he quite showed me yesterday, and very well. Well I cant tell you exactly what triggered this but there was the essential element of which fights are made of, "girl". Yup that was it. The person who has smiled at my abuses for 3 years took flight and was practising knife throwing with me as his target.
Well I have a considerable lot of friends. Well in a interaction misunderstandins are bound to happen and they do happen. So its not something thats new to me. But all of my friends have a protocol. If you dont like a certain person's behavior you have to tell him clearly what, why is wrong and how he can correct it. Well its simple way to keep long term misunderstanding at bay.
I also get rebuked for my verry odd behavior all the time .Well there is no shame in accepting what you have done wrong, if the person tells you what effects it has had.
Here it is different, its not that simple. You keep all follies in mind and puke on other persons face when you cant control any more. I was flabbergasted at his behavior. He was literally speaking that i have have never even heard him say to anyone (leave alone me). He always treated me better, but yesterday was a horrendous experience. Imagine he was lying for 4 years?? All that "ooh-so-sweet" behavior was a farce a pure deceit. This is the real person. I was really dumbfolded for rest of the night. Usually when someone gets to me they are in for a long fight but yesterday i ddint even protest. Its like holding the scorpion by its sting, leave alone fighting the scorpion is busy with thoughts to protect its sting.
Well its not the things he said that are disturbing (actually they were) but the reason was even more. I some how had scarpped his gf(she isnt even his gf) that provoked the out burst. Well nothing like girl to bring and end to a nice friendship. Arre I wasnt going after her, nor I was talking to her about him. I dont know the reason why he did that.
Well I am very deeply hurt and after a long thought have decided to bring this friendship to a platonic form, a form of aquaintances.
Well 2 dasy earlier i wrote
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind".
Saw the blindness of love first degree. If this is he wants, this will he get then.
Well I had a dream/vision after all this during night. Dont know exactly if i was awake or not
I am in a room full of white irritating smoke. I can smell the pungent odour of burnt flesh. There are tears in my eyes from the smoke. Then as the smoke clears out I see a white room, old white room with showers at the top. Its very similar to a nazi death chamber and at the end of room there is thin spectacled girl with a huge white sack in her hand. She drags the sack towards me and throws it at my feet. Says "gift for you" and walks back. The bag actually is a bet sheet wound up and it opens up to reveal ash and burnt bones together. I am desperately searching for something in the ashes and burnt carcass. I am not finding what i want the room is getting dark. Suddenly the door opens and light breaks the darkness. I go to the door sad dejected as i coudnt find the thing i was looking for. I have ash all over my hands and my face. Tears are running down as i reach the door and cross over the porch of the door. Then i look behind at the ashes for a last time. The door slams shut and light envolopes me. I am in my favorite restaurant surrounded by happy friends. All are happy eating and laughing every one i cared for is there save one.
I have understood what it meant and will surely behave that way. Good day to all. Bye

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