Wednesday, April 18, 2012

To where next?

All my life, I have had people telling me to dream, to have aims, and to work hard towards getting them. I as a very practical person never had huge aims and bright ambitions. I have always been the one to be happy with what I have. I try to find joy in the mundane. It doesn't take a lot of money or effort to make me happy. Considering this, having future aims was somewhat hard for me. What will make me more happy has always been a mystery. Most people have aims and ambition regarding their professional lives and dream about owning companies and having important managerial positions in powerful companies. I never had that. 
As a teenager, being forced to conform to the society and surrounded by dreamy eyed kids aspiring to be successful people in life, I made up some dreams for myself as well. They were never absolute, it was never a live or die situation with them but I did work on them. I was not obsessed with them nor did I work extremely hard for them. There were frequent times when I almost gave them up considering that the work was too much and too intimidating, but the absence of aims is much more troublesome than statelessness of a failed dream. As the time kept crawling I kept my quest for my artificial dreams. As time passed they became more important, the importance of them slowly crept into my consciousnesses and their importance increased some more each time till they were full lifetime goals. Whenever someone asked me what my goals were, I had a list prepared. 
Fast forward ten years later. I am in a different place, still trying to achieve those goals but now a second realisation has crept in. They are finishing. I am completing my life goals at an alarming rate. While I have given up on the idea that attaining these goals will give me satisfaction in life, I do have to worry about the future. My current set of goals will all be complete in the coming few months. I have paid a price for attaining these goals, done things which I wouldn't have normally done. Been through bad times thinking it was necessary if I were to attain my goals. All this had a end. To be a certain person I dreamed to be. Slowly as I metamorphosise into this person, what am I going to do for the rest of my life?   
This will rarely affect my daily life as in an existential crisis doesn't cause me to stop living, it never has. I can always manage to be happy not withstanding any situation. Thing is in a longer run going to create problem for me. Society doesn't accept aimless people and they are frequently looked at with suspicion. Having aims makes a person decipherable, which is what actually everyone wants everyone else to be. As I become my ideal person, I have to come up with something new to keep up the farce. Thing is, last time I came up with such a farce I actually believed it and saw to it to its almost end. Will I end up doing it again? 

As I slowly realise that I am living my former dream, what does that leave the future with. As a 12 year old I was once asked the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My friends came up with detail answers, all I could manage was "Happy". As a 25 yr old someone might ask me the same in another context and in my heart I will answer "Happy" but cannot say. At the end of achieving a few fake dreams, can one manage to conjure some more? After achieving everything you told everyone you were going to, where do you go next? 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Changes and us...

Many a seasons ago I made a very nice statement (I hope it is originally mine and not something I heard somewhere) “Dynamicity is the essence of life”. From that point I quote myself over and over again. Something that does not change dies and something that is dead cannot change. Good concept for evolution and college syllabi, but when it comes to actual people can my quote make a difference? Do our lives govern this physics law and if and when we decide to oppose change are we ringing our knell?
To go from something familiar and used to something new can be a very daunting experience. One has a lot of emotions to deal with. Anxiety, excitement, sorrow, happiness and everything indefinable in between to name a few. Over the course of time, the verdict about the change is out and whatever the result we generally are satisfied with what we did. Change itself is always good. A departure from a very good situation to one below it is not very welcome by people but thinking in a very objective and non materialistic way, it is another experience the person would have missed out were they to be confined to their higher situation. We make memories whenever our environment changes, and after all, in the end, all that is left behind is memories.
The perpetual question is, if change is so imperative to your growth as a human being why do we oppose it? Majority of people try to resist change, however it may be. Everyone tries to undo a change that will demote one in any form, but it is no wonder that many try to undo a change that will promote them in life. The uncertainty of future is the thing that many cannot handle and hence consider the risk not worth taking. If we know that we are stagnating ourselves why do we insist on hanging on to obsolescence? What is this obsession with the past, good or bad that makes us behave in this self destructive way? 

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Love- Reality of Fiction

All through our lives we are told about the presence of true love. A feeling that will come and forever change our lives. A Love that will complete you, love all your shortcomings as dearly as your strengths. First thing we see, when we actually manage to start comprehending the world is fairytales in which after some very unfortunate and now, non-sense appearing string of events, the princess and the prince live happily ever after. Twenty something years later the question is, is that really possible? Is there a fairytale ending to lives? Is love reality or fiction?
Women have written about this all throughout history. Women somehow feel more positive about this and always seem to believe that some handsome prince on a white horse will come to rescue them, of their apparently boring lives which they are living. Men, on other hand, don’t have the privilege of rescue they have to be the ones to match up to the 'monogamist-in-love' prince who can manage to look like a Calvin Klein model in spite of just recovering from a fight with a witch who suddenly decided that she likes being a dragon more than her ugly self. Perhaps this is the reason why men don’t write much about love in general. Ironically, though, most love poems have been written by men, but the interesting point to note is-when were they written?. Well, they wrote them when either they fell in love, or when the lady (or ladies or gentlemen) dumped them for someone better looking or someone with money. They wrote when their loves died due to smallpox or giving birth to their dozenth child or worse when bitten by a flea who had just abandoned a dead rat. Point is ,men always write about love when faced by a circumstance pertaining to love after some experience about which they can write poems using similes and transferred epithets. Have you ever seen a man writing an article on love just out of curiosity? Someone never been in love writing about love? Well you are now...
A long for stimulating company, a desire to be liked and of course physical relationships- are all the decoys for love. Almost all people like being with other people more or less. No one would like to live a whole life alone in some cave with no one to communicate with and interact. That said we can always have family, friends and sometimes even strangers to talk to. We live in a society where you can put up an advertisement for friends and make friends. These people can also make up the second point and they can like you. All my “points” really don’t make any sense when confronted with the last one. Sex is one major issue. Like it or not, like food and water we (most of us) need sex. Lust is the most agreeable of all the cardinal sins and usually the most frequent one, one is prevailed upon to commit. So is the desire to be in love just nothing but a Victorian sugar coating for lust? Are we just horny? Or is there something that can transcend all of my points and be something surreal, more potent than the most promising mood lifter ever created. Were those man poets really that happy about love or they were just happy they got laid (or were in anticipation they would after exhibiting their poems)? As someone who has not been in love this can be tricky situation but then what do we qualify as love? And most important thing is the current time. For 2011 define the presence of love
How do we differentiate love from lust, friendship or simply a dire want of company? To solve the dilemma we can consider the golden mean of all. It may not be true but in my view love is when you are attracted to someone sexually and at same time have a complete non sexual relationship with them after the act is over. Also the relationship should be enjoyable, people can just throw things at each other and that would still qualify as a relationship however weird it may be. Intelligent readers who somehow have managed to retain their attention till now may easily shout “that’s friendship”. Well to their credit it is. Can love be a perfect blend of sex and friendship? Are lovers just friends who f***?
This article (or whatever you want to call it) does ask a lot of questions, but then seeing the gender of the author, it was expected supposedly. Just a few around us who have found the true love can be the source of the answers and most decidedly they will have different views on love. Experiences and events in life gradually alter a person’s view on love. We all start off with Cinderella and end up either being happily in love with either Cinderella or her wicked sisters, depending on how much cynicism we have built up over the ages. Given all the influences we have on our opinions over the course of time, what should qualify as the correct answer? Or is this one of those unanswerable questions of physics like where did the universe originate and stuff? If so, can love have a singularity like physics has? Or is it too much to ask from a concept so vague that has exponential interpretations of itself?
At twenty three, one may boldly claim the excuse of inexperience and non-exposure to ones defence about having no answers to these questions but as we get older we soon will not have them. To hope that we will have the answer by the time we are ready to be buried/burned or fed to vultures is certainly a lot of useless optimism, but one can certainly hope to have some in sight into this wonderful emotion that has added a lot of happiness (however temporary it may be and however bad the consequences be) to this life we have. At now author claims complete ignorance but very keen to hear from others the answer to question, is love for real?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Ghost - My new poem

Alone on a grey road,
 in a black night;
scared, she strode,
not a soul in sight.

Saw something near,
not very nice;
trembling with fear,
for every vice;

With courage hired,
did she accost;
The sceptre tired,
cold with frost.

Grey face ugly,
thin frame askew;
flesh all dangly,
but eyes were true.

I am your past,
sad,alone,a cast,
no idea how long,
before dead at last.

However disliked,
abhored, hated time;
You, my past spiked,
even riddled with slime.

Come with me,
Fear not quite;
I will set you free,
While we walk into the light.

Monday, May 9, 2011


Unruhe, german word for " not peaceful", "restless". Exactly what I am feeling right now. The most scary part? I cannot pinpoint it . Another semester comes to end soon. Though it is still some time for me to graduate I have a an apprehension of what is to follow. This is a new concept since I have never been apprehensive about the future. When you know what is going to happen you don't get shocked. Thing is, even in the deepest faith, there remains a fraction of doubt. What if this does not turn out the way I know it should?
This may seem weird but sometimes I feel someone is watching over me,getting me out of trouble and preventing me from getting into new ones. I do think that this might be an observation for a lot many others. Truth maybe far from that and all those circumstance might be just random events taking place. I do not care for the truth, but if someone is watching over me, then I need him/her/it now.... They need to come and take this Unruhe away, because I my heart knows everything is going to be all right, its just my brain keeps interfering. 

Friday, May 6, 2011

Why does the right feel wrong?

For a last few days I had been feeling rather optimistic. Instead of being horribly worried about the future, for a change I was looking at it like a world of opportunities. Naturally this was a phase, because nothing turns out the way I want it. It is always something which is good for me in the long run, but the short-sighted greedy person I am, I fail to see the usefulness of the fiasco right now. If that what happens is right for us, why does it feel so wrong?
Surrounded by optimistic people who say things like "In the end everything will turn out fine" and "'Whatever happens, happens for good", can a sane pessimist survive the onslaught of hope? The worst punishment one can give to a person is a false hope. In such light are optimistic people just killing us? If whatever is happening is supposed to be a part of huge plan which will in the end turn out fine, why is the working of the plan so shitty? And who is to say what we will get at the end of the plan. If the path is any judge to the destination we sure are heading towards Shitville...
Saw a movie recently North and South 2004. Sound track from the same....a piece called "I have seen hell". The monologue behind this piece goes 
"How cold and harsh it is here, everywhere there is conflict and unkindness
I think god has forsaken this place, I believe I 've seen is white snow white"

Friday, April 22, 2011

Where does niceness start and end?

Constantly being faced with false happy faces and façades, how does one differentiate between artifice and true emotions. In a world where everyone is nice, where does real niceness start and where does it end?

One of the many things that caught my eye when I initially came to US was how nice the people were. Everyone is friendly and cordial was impressed by how friendly a nation it was but appearances are indeed deceptive. It didn't take me much time to realise that not everything is rosy red in this over-friendly world. False emotions blur the real emotion without parallel leaving us with just vague idea as to what exactly is going on. This can be a challenge for people like me, over analytical people who HAVE to figure others out. The moment I realised it doesn't seem like it is I cranked up my analytical brain and set forth to creating mental rules to differentiate the false from the true. I swore that one day when someone says "Nice to meet you" I would know if they really mean it or just saying it for the heck of it. 

Turns out it is better said than done. In a land where you have to be nice to everyone out of compulsion, have people forgot how to be really nice? I do realise that one cannot be genuinely nice to everyone possible. There will always be someone whom you hate, whom you do not wish to be present with and that is very normal I am not referring to them. Dealing with the others(the ones you like and ones you have no opinion about) does one forget the boundary and become false nice too? 

The most scary part is not how fake people are(there will always be fake people) but the fact that I have started to behave like one of them. However strong opinion I have about someone I have started to put up a fake smile. As I walk through the University saying "Hi-how are you" to all and the sundry, I do realise that with time I have managed to create a façade, the same one which I detest in others. Fake it maybe but I know where my niceness starts and where it ends, same cannot be said for many others....where everything just sort of blurs into a big fake smile. A perfect face, perfect smile, a perfect lie.